Another week has past. Here's whats bothering me:
Law and Order: SVU isn't even trying anymore. I like how the undercover names they use are their actual character names. All the story-lines are ridiculous. Everyone is totally over acting. It's barely watchable anymore. I'm not sure when they gave up, but it is really depressing. it is as depressing as this past week's guest star Rose McGowen's face looks. Damn!!
They're having Shake Weight commercials on UFC broadcasts now. That would be OK if they weren't MALE Shake Weight commercials. What advertising salesperson thinks to themselves, "UFC fans are obviously super gay and they would enjoy these commercials between rounds. They're already watching sweaty dudes wrestle each other, so this is the perfect demographic for the gayest piece of exercise equipment ever invented." Not a good job done there.
How can anyone have a birthday party for their dogs?? Really?? If you had a birthday party for your cats, people would think you were crazy. How is a dog birthday party not as crazy??
I've been sick all week. It has been pretty bad, to say the least. I've been coughing a lot and had a horrible sore throat. There are two ways to deal with sick people: Help them out or be a little bitch and complain that they are around. There are two consequences to dealing with sick people these ways: You get sick yourself or you don't. Alex is sick now and my parents aren't. How do you think they treated me?
I was driving home yesterday listening to The Ricky Gervais Show, and I started laughing. I was at a red light, still laughing, when I made awkward eye contact with his very sad looking homeless guy. He probably thought I was laughing at him. He still didn't get any money though.
Alex was going through the closet, when he saw a spider on one of his shoes. He took this opportunity to unleash this blood curdling scream. I'm pretty sure it was the sound that his body naturally made let the world know about his brand new vagina. I guess I have three sisters now, and I'm Ok with that.
Even though I just started a new job, I am still actively looking for a better job. I check craigslist just about everyday. I am very weary about job postings that have spelling errors in them. Every job lists computer literacy as a necessary skill. I am assuming full computer literacy may not be necessary, but at least be computer literate enough to know the squiggly red line under a word means the word is misspelled. Just saying.
When you pay for groceries at the self check out register, it automatically prints out a random coupon for you for the next time you go shopping. I had always assumed these were random, but twice the coupon printer has printed out a coupon for Rogaine for me. FUCK YOU SELF CHECKOUT COUPON PRINTER!!!!
As it stands right now, I've got about 30 pages of writing in almost three months of doing this. I'm writing a book for sure. Just giving everyone a heads up.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
My Complaints 3/23/11
So another week...Let's just get started
There has been horrible weather the last few day. Its been pouring rain off and on the last two weeks. People who like the rain bug me. Whenever it's wet, cold and depressing outside, and someone says they love it like that, watch out for them.
Getting an STD test for guys is pretty traumatic if you didn't know already. What happens is that the Doctor takes a unusually large Q-tip and jams it in your urethra. I would compare the Q-tip to one of those things you have to use to knock an American Gladiator off a platform. Alex compared it to a chimney sweeps scrubber. " 'Ello Govna'. Gonna clean your chimney. Chim chiminy chim chiminy chim chim cheerie. I'm going to shove this inside your peepee"
Today in International Biceps Day! I wonder if tomorrow is International Triceps day? They're supposed to be done back to back at the gym...or so I've been told.
So I started my new job this week, doing security for this tech company. Every day there makes me more and more miserable. What I've noticed is that there is a direct correlation between how miserable I am and how much cake I eat. I pretty much ate a whole cake by myself this week. So there you go.
The other day at work, this guy walked passed my podium without scanning his badge. Scanning his badge is required to get onto the elevator, so I called him back and told him he needed to scan his badge. He turned around and gave me this look like who is this guy telling me what to do...Wait a second. Let's back it up here. Did I mention that right before he walked past my podium without scanning his badge, he just got off his unicycle, and that there was a unicycle convoy directly behind him. That's what I'm dealing with there. Guys on unicycles looking at me like I'M the moron. That whole scenario was a quarter cake right there.
Last week, I decided that it was a good idea to jump out of a perfectly good airplane and plummet to the earth before a big bed sheet opened over my head to slow me down and not kill me. It was the coolest thing I've ever done. I jumped tandem, which means I was attached to a professional skydiver behind me. It did get a little awkward when right before we jumped, the guy I was attached to got a massive boner. I was gonna say something, but I didn't want to die, so I had to let it go. Weird!!!
If you ever at any time make out with a girl, and a few minutes later she projectile vomits, walk away right there. You will be spared months of misery. Enough said.
I had more, but somehow a whole chunk of stuff I wrote got lost. BULLSHIT!!!
Let me know what you think.
There has been horrible weather the last few day. Its been pouring rain off and on the last two weeks. People who like the rain bug me. Whenever it's wet, cold and depressing outside, and someone says they love it like that, watch out for them.
Getting an STD test for guys is pretty traumatic if you didn't know already. What happens is that the Doctor takes a unusually large Q-tip and jams it in your urethra. I would compare the Q-tip to one of those things you have to use to knock an American Gladiator off a platform. Alex compared it to a chimney sweeps scrubber. " 'Ello Govna'. Gonna clean your chimney. Chim chiminy chim chiminy chim chim cheerie. I'm going to shove this inside your peepee"
Today in International Biceps Day! I wonder if tomorrow is International Triceps day? They're supposed to be done back to back at the gym...or so I've been told.
So I started my new job this week, doing security for this tech company. Every day there makes me more and more miserable. What I've noticed is that there is a direct correlation between how miserable I am and how much cake I eat. I pretty much ate a whole cake by myself this week. So there you go.
The other day at work, this guy walked passed my podium without scanning his badge. Scanning his badge is required to get onto the elevator, so I called him back and told him he needed to scan his badge. He turned around and gave me this look like who is this guy telling me what to do...Wait a second. Let's back it up here. Did I mention that right before he walked past my podium without scanning his badge, he just got off his unicycle, and that there was a unicycle convoy directly behind him. That's what I'm dealing with there. Guys on unicycles looking at me like I'M the moron. That whole scenario was a quarter cake right there.
Last week, I decided that it was a good idea to jump out of a perfectly good airplane and plummet to the earth before a big bed sheet opened over my head to slow me down and not kill me. It was the coolest thing I've ever done. I jumped tandem, which means I was attached to a professional skydiver behind me. It did get a little awkward when right before we jumped, the guy I was attached to got a massive boner. I was gonna say something, but I didn't want to die, so I had to let it go. Weird!!!
If you ever at any time make out with a girl, and a few minutes later she projectile vomits, walk away right there. You will be spared months of misery. Enough said.
I had more, but somehow a whole chunk of stuff I wrote got lost. BULLSHIT!!!
Let me know what you think.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
My Complaints 3/16/11
I just started a new job this week. A real job with benefits, vacation and everything else that comes with a real job. So complaints...
Fuck Yeah Complaints!!!
The only relevant comedy tip my dad has ever given me is, "Talk about shitting. Everyone does it and it's always funny." With that said, I've created a new term for diarrhea. Deuce Juice. That's trademarked, so don't steal it. I'll be PISSED!!!
A friend of mine put this quote on her Facebook:
"
Wow. Just the message that is being sent to young women out there. Let a model give you health advise. Kate Moss doesn't care how food tastes. She only cares about how cocaine smells!!!
What I've noticed from working at the club is that certain women truly believe that they are better than everyone else. Now, no one is better than anyone else, especially when it's time to pay a cover to get inside the club. What I find hilarious is that the uglier the woman is, the more offended they are that they have to pay a cover. Women with attitudes are already ugly anyways to me, but this chick stopped the entire line and was like "You can't be serious? $10?!" and this bitch was MISSING THREE TEETH!!! This group of girls came in one night that looked like they chewed the wrong piece of gum at Willy Wonka's factory, and when they found out there was a cover they all said "HELL NO!" and left. I said to myself "HELL YES!" Now the club won't get cleared out in disgust and I wouldn't be sent home and lose hours.
An Indian guy in a turban came to the club last week. Doesn't he know there are no hats allowed in the club. AWKWARD!!!
I cleaned out the trunk of my car. There was stuff in it that was date stamped literally days after I bought it, three years ago.
Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel broke up this week. Isn't it sad when the beautiful people cant make it? If they can't make it, how are the rest of us supposed to stand a chance?? I know everyone out there is devastated by this, but it's ok. You can get over it by seeing Jessica Biel pour melted wax over her perfect naked body in "Powder Blue". Gracias Señor Skin for that important tidbit of information.
Tell me why the stalker in that Virgin Mobile commercial is smoking hot. I'd like a stalker. At least I'd get some attention. I'd be like, "Get outta that tree. It's cold outside," and invite her in. I'm assuming (and praying) that my stalker is going to be a woman. Let's all hope.
I take back what I said earlier. Use deuce juice, but only on twitter. I want deuce juice to be a trending topic!!!
I'm gonna start doing stand-up in a couple weeks. I now have a shit load of material, and I've announced it here so obviously I have to do it now. Who's gonna come see me make my stand-up debut in a couple weeks??
Like always, let me know if there's anything you want me to complain about.
Fuck Yeah Complaints!!!
The only relevant comedy tip my dad has ever given me is, "Talk about shitting. Everyone does it and it's always funny." With that said, I've created a new term for diarrhea. Deuce Juice. That's trademarked, so don't steal it. I'll be PISSED!!!
A friend of mine put this quote on her Facebook:
"
Wow. Just the message that is being sent to young women out there. Let a model give you health advise. Kate Moss doesn't care how food tastes. She only cares about how cocaine smells!!!
What I've noticed from working at the club is that certain women truly believe that they are better than everyone else. Now, no one is better than anyone else, especially when it's time to pay a cover to get inside the club. What I find hilarious is that the uglier the woman is, the more offended they are that they have to pay a cover. Women with attitudes are already ugly anyways to me, but this chick stopped the entire line and was like "You can't be serious? $10?!" and this bitch was MISSING THREE TEETH!!! This group of girls came in one night that looked like they chewed the wrong piece of gum at Willy Wonka's factory, and when they found out there was a cover they all said "HELL NO!" and left. I said to myself "HELL YES!" Now the club won't get cleared out in disgust and I wouldn't be sent home and lose hours.
An Indian guy in a turban came to the club last week. Doesn't he know there are no hats allowed in the club. AWKWARD!!!
I cleaned out the trunk of my car. There was stuff in it that was date stamped literally days after I bought it, three years ago.
Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel broke up this week. Isn't it sad when the beautiful people cant make it? If they can't make it, how are the rest of us supposed to stand a chance?? I know everyone out there is devastated by this, but it's ok. You can get over it by seeing Jessica Biel pour melted wax over her perfect naked body in "Powder Blue". Gracias Señor Skin for that important tidbit of information.
Tell me why the stalker in that Virgin Mobile commercial is smoking hot. I'd like a stalker. At least I'd get some attention. I'd be like, "Get outta that tree. It's cold outside," and invite her in. I'm assuming (and praying) that my stalker is going to be a woman. Let's all hope.
I take back what I said earlier. Use deuce juice, but only on twitter. I want deuce juice to be a trending topic!!!
I'm gonna start doing stand-up in a couple weeks. I now have a shit load of material, and I've announced it here so obviously I have to do it now. Who's gonna come see me make my stand-up debut in a couple weeks??
Like always, let me know if there's anything you want me to complain about.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
My Complaints 3/9/11
You would think that getting a new job, partying it up this weekend and getting two checks last week that I would have nothing to complain about...
YOU'D BE WRONG!!!!
I felt really sick this weekend when I went to the Nike Outlet store. Of course, there's no bathroom in that store but there was one in the Panda Express next door. Then I came to this realization. You should feel like having diarrhea after you leave Panda Express, not have diarrhea while walking into Panda Express. That's never good. Ever.
My senses are definitely affected after I drink. I pretty much go blind, all sounds become fuzzy, I can't really smell or taste anything but everything FEELS AMAZING!!!
There is a serious problem with our education system, if you weren't aware. If you listen to KOHL you will know that already. Some chick on there was reading the Box Office results and said that Rango debuted at number 1. The problem is she read it like this: Rango debut-ted at number 1. What a retard. Oh wait, there is a mentally challenged guy on KOHL named Hammerin' Hank. I should be more sensitive.
I love the Huffington Post. I especially love their headlines. They make the stories very intriguing. For example, a common headline on there is "Jessica Biel in a teeny bikini", brilliant journalism. My favorite headline from HuffPost this week: "Ke$ha has 10,000 condoms?" The question mark was there in the headline already. I thought I was supposed to have the questions.
I got a new app for my iPhone that shows all the sex offenders in the area. I swear one looks like the old guy from Up. I really hope no boy scouts go to his house. He may try floating them away. He probably has hella balloons in house, but their full of Nitrous Oxide.
Mardi Gras was last night. I've never been a part of San Jose Mardi Gras before. I was an interesting experience to say the least. Definitely saw some boobies. Not exactly boobies I would have seeked out on my own though, but anytime you get a chance to see some random public boobies, you're going to look.
Alex and I went to the closing Borders. Why do they need closing signs on every single window and every single display? We get it, the store is closing. The people working there for a while longer don't need 500 visual reminders that they're losing their jobs. That will make them bitter assholes...wait a second...they were already bitter assholes before the store was closing. Fuck 'em then.
I was asked to complain about Kim Kardashian's new song. I believe I have already, but that was before I actually heard the song. I knew I was going to have a war my radio to get through the whole thing. These are the actual lyrics:Turn me up, turn me up, turn me turn me turn me up, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, turn me up, turn me up, turn me turn me turn me up, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah. That war was over. I had to shoot myself in the foot to get out of it. I'd rather walk with a limp for the rest of my life than hear anymore.
Once again, if there is anything you'd like me to complain about let me know. Please share this if you like it. Also, please check my archive and share those too. You will get definite compliments from me instead of complaints.
YOU'D BE WRONG!!!!
I felt really sick this weekend when I went to the Nike Outlet store. Of course, there's no bathroom in that store but there was one in the Panda Express next door. Then I came to this realization. You should feel like having diarrhea after you leave Panda Express, not have diarrhea while walking into Panda Express. That's never good. Ever.
My senses are definitely affected after I drink. I pretty much go blind, all sounds become fuzzy, I can't really smell or taste anything but everything FEELS AMAZING!!!
There is a serious problem with our education system, if you weren't aware. If you listen to KOHL you will know that already. Some chick on there was reading the Box Office results and said that Rango debuted at number 1. The problem is she read it like this: Rango debut-ted at number 1. What a retard. Oh wait, there is a mentally challenged guy on KOHL named Hammerin' Hank. I should be more sensitive.
I love the Huffington Post. I especially love their headlines. They make the stories very intriguing. For example, a common headline on there is "Jessica Biel in a teeny bikini", brilliant journalism. My favorite headline from HuffPost this week: "Ke$ha has 10,000 condoms?" The question mark was there in the headline already. I thought I was supposed to have the questions.
I got a new app for my iPhone that shows all the sex offenders in the area. I swear one looks like the old guy from Up. I really hope no boy scouts go to his house. He may try floating them away. He probably has hella balloons in house, but their full of Nitrous Oxide.
Mardi Gras was last night. I've never been a part of San Jose Mardi Gras before. I was an interesting experience to say the least. Definitely saw some boobies. Not exactly boobies I would have seeked out on my own though, but anytime you get a chance to see some random public boobies, you're going to look.
Alex and I went to the closing Borders. Why do they need closing signs on every single window and every single display? We get it, the store is closing. The people working there for a while longer don't need 500 visual reminders that they're losing their jobs. That will make them bitter assholes...wait a second...they were already bitter assholes before the store was closing. Fuck 'em then.
I was asked to complain about Kim Kardashian's new song. I believe I have already, but that was before I actually heard the song. I knew I was going to have a war my radio to get through the whole thing. These are the actual lyrics:Turn me up, turn me up, turn me turn me turn me up, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, turn me up, turn me up, turn me turn me turn me up, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah. That war was over. I had to shoot myself in the foot to get out of it. I'd rather walk with a limp for the rest of my life than hear anymore.
Once again, if there is anything you'd like me to complain about let me know. Please share this if you like it. Also, please check my archive and share those too. You will get definite compliments from me instead of complaints.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
My Complaints 3/2/11
Another week...
There are true signs of the times everywhere. You just have to keep your eyes open. I saw pretty much the most ironic thing I think I've ever seen the other day. I saw a brand spankin' new BMW with a Pizza Guys pizza delivery sign on the roof. Now I wonder what the people who get pizza delivered to them look out the door and see that.
There is this guy in Downtown San Jose who basically drives a monster truck. It's lifted about 10' off the ground and it's as tall as the street lights. Ok, we get that you're a douchebag, but we probably would have realized that when we meet you. You shouldn't advertise like that. No sane human being needs a vehicle that needs a retractable stair case to come down so you can get into it.
There have been a lot ofmidgets "little people" coming to the club recently. There's this one who rides a rascal scooter and her slightly taller midget "little person" friend rides on the back. The one with the rascal scooter was on True Life: I'm a Midget Little Person, so she thinks she's hot shit. Doing donuts on a dance floor is not appropriate at ANYTIME LADY!!! Especially when you you have a little friend attached to the back of your scooter terrified that you're doing fucking donuts while she's hanging on for dear life!!! She looked like a Wienerschnitzel antenna icon with her legs sticking straight out.
They are selling an old person's walker as a piece of fitness equipment. They call it THE RACK and they have people doing curls but they're just lifting the thing off the ground. You could probably get a free one from a nursing home if you want, but you'll have to wrestle someone's gramdpa for it.
Kim Kardashian's single has just been released. FUCK MY LIFE!!!
Charlie Sheen has officially lost his mind!!! He wants an extra million dollars an episode? Doesn't he know that "Two and a Half Men" sucks. They'll probably give it to him though. For all the drug dealers who obvoiusly read this every week, how much cocaine can you get for an extra $1,000,000 a week?
My sister's students are ridiculous. Some kid said to her, " I hate Mondays. Mondays are the armpit of the week." I can't wait for this kid to learn how to write. WHen he learns how to write, he'll then learn how to type. Then when he learns how to type, he'll write a blog and I want to read his blog. I know it's gonna be awesome.
Someone paid $40,000 for Justin Bieber's hair. What a waste of money. He's not even blonde.
I saw this smoking hot chick that works at Target. The problem is she works as a uniformed security guard. She is in no way intimidating to anyone...what am I talking about? Hot chicks are way intimidating. Good job Target!
I should be a teacher. According to Fox News, they make between $75-$100,000 a year until they die. That's a sweet gig if you ask me.
In order not to swear around the babies, we sometimes spell swear words instead of saying them. That works until you spell out A-S-S-W-H-O-L-E. Good job Dad.
Alex wants me to put things in here that I put on my Facebook. I will put in one per week. Here's one from this past week:
There are true signs of the times everywhere. You just have to keep your eyes open. I saw pretty much the most ironic thing I think I've ever seen the other day. I saw a brand spankin' new BMW with a Pizza Guys pizza delivery sign on the roof. Now I wonder what the people who get pizza delivered to them look out the door and see that.
There is this guy in Downtown San Jose who basically drives a monster truck. It's lifted about 10' off the ground and it's as tall as the street lights. Ok, we get that you're a douchebag, but we probably would have realized that when we meet you. You shouldn't advertise like that. No sane human being needs a vehicle that needs a retractable stair case to come down so you can get into it.
There have been a lot of
They are selling an old person's walker as a piece of fitness equipment. They call it THE RACK and they have people doing curls but they're just lifting the thing off the ground. You could probably get a free one from a nursing home if you want, but you'll have to wrestle someone's gramdpa for it.
Kim Kardashian's single has just been released. FUCK MY LIFE!!!
Charlie Sheen has officially lost his mind!!! He wants an extra million dollars an episode? Doesn't he know that "Two and a Half Men" sucks. They'll probably give it to him though. For all the drug dealers who obvoiusly read this every week, how much cocaine can you get for an extra $1,000,000 a week?
My sister's students are ridiculous. Some kid said to her, " I hate Mondays. Mondays are the armpit of the week." I can't wait for this kid to learn how to write. WHen he learns how to write, he'll then learn how to type. Then when he learns how to type, he'll write a blog and I want to read his blog. I know it's gonna be awesome.
Someone paid $40,000 for Justin Bieber's hair. What a waste of money. He's not even blonde.
I saw this smoking hot chick that works at Target. The problem is she works as a uniformed security guard. She is in no way intimidating to anyone...what am I talking about? Hot chicks are way intimidating. Good job Target!
I should be a teacher. According to Fox News, they make between $75-$100,000 a year until they die. That's a sweet gig if you ask me.
In order not to swear around the babies, we sometimes spell swear words instead of saying them. That works until you spell out A-S-S-W-H-O-L-E. Good job Dad.
Alex wants me to put things in here that I put on my Facebook. I will put in one per week. Here's one from this past week:
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