I just started a new job this week. A real job with benefits, vacation and everything else that comes with a real job. So complaints...
Fuck Yeah Complaints!!!
The only relevant comedy tip my dad has ever given me is, "Talk about shitting. Everyone does it and it's always funny." With that said, I've created a new term for diarrhea. Deuce Juice. That's trademarked, so don't steal it. I'll be PISSED!!!
A friend of mine put this quote on her Facebook:
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Wow. Just the message that is being sent to young women out there. Let a model give you health advise. Kate Moss doesn't care how food tastes. She only cares about how cocaine smells!!!
What I've noticed from working at the club is that certain women truly believe that they are better than everyone else. Now, no one is better than anyone else, especially when it's time to pay a cover to get inside the club. What I find hilarious is that the uglier the woman is, the more offended they are that they have to pay a cover. Women with attitudes are already ugly anyways to me, but this chick stopped the entire line and was like "You can't be serious? $10?!" and this bitch was MISSING THREE TEETH!!! This group of girls came in one night that looked like they chewed the wrong piece of gum at Willy Wonka's factory, and when they found out there was a cover they all said "HELL NO!" and left. I said to myself "HELL YES!" Now the club won't get cleared out in disgust and I wouldn't be sent home and lose hours.
An Indian guy in a turban came to the club last week. Doesn't he know there are no hats allowed in the club. AWKWARD!!!
I cleaned out the trunk of my car. There was stuff in it that was date stamped literally days after I bought it, three years ago.
Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel broke up this week. Isn't it sad when the beautiful people cant make it? If they can't make it, how are the rest of us supposed to stand a chance?? I know everyone out there is devastated by this, but it's ok. You can get over it by seeing Jessica Biel pour melted wax over her perfect naked body in "Powder Blue". Gracias Señor Skin for that important tidbit of information.
Tell me why the stalker in that Virgin Mobile commercial is smoking hot. I'd like a stalker. At least I'd get some attention. I'd be like, "Get outta that tree. It's cold outside," and invite her in. I'm assuming (and praying) that my stalker is going to be a woman. Let's all hope.
I take back what I said earlier. Use deuce juice, but only on twitter. I want deuce juice to be a trending topic!!!
I'm gonna start doing stand-up in a couple weeks. I now have a shit load of material, and I've announced it here so obviously I have to do it now. Who's gonna come see me make my stand-up debut in a couple weeks??
Like always, let me know if there's anything you want me to complain about.
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